rose_red_wrist

http://www.livejournal.com/users/artificialamity/

I'm not longer going to be using this journal. (the abover one) is my new one...so add me to be added.

make me a heart of wire,
something you can't break,
something you can bend and mold when it starts to take up to much space
make my dreams of plastic something easy to replace, to remind me of everything I'm forced to give away.








this morning sucked. mom, dad..came in my room screaming and cussing me out...for no reason, never said sorry..but I wouldn't want them to, I hate it when people say things they don't mean.
this morning I had hope to regain my controll. all I want to do right now is die, to feel, to have a choice to do what I may with /or without..my life I don't know what to write in the good bye note .. I can't even do it yet..but I've decided..maybe not tomarro, but soon enough, because this problems only temporary. but I don't care. the perfect way is to jump..but theres no where to jump from here...sleeping pill cause brain damage...you throwing up and choking on your vomit, and your plan going to shit. I bet if I cared, I'd hate everything right now.

hvmmm wonder if I should even try to catch an hour or so of sleep.. uck I hate insomnia.. and I hve to start getting ready in a couple hours.. to go to this sugron in the hospital..who's going to loook at my x-rays from the other day..and take some more...and I guess well take it from there argh I better not have t have sugery :'( my shoulders swollen at the lest I pulled mussels and some of my mussel tissue is swollen..which can be delt with through medicinie...damn pain in the ass *taps foot* hvmmmm what to do what to do .

hvmmm how was my day? oh just wonderful...I got into a car chrsh...it wasn't enough the ladys had to ram into us from behind...but she makes a u-turn and rams into us from the side...hvmm yes...and off to the hospital I went...I had to pee...I was hungry...and thirty...they think I'm okay...but can't really tell from the x-rays...I may need sugry.. but its nothing life thratnign...welll OWO LUCKY FUCKING ME..ha...I'm not in much pain now... but they assured me I will be tommaro I will be when I wake up... once again...ever so lucky..I'll find out tomarro.. if something seriously wrong...I'm really fucking worried..argh and pissed...also!

fuckers. my parents went to therapy without me yesterday -becuase I was sick- and this... this is what happens..? they agreed the computer should be taken out of my room... stupid fucking cunts! well hvmmm well see what happens.. I'm going to throw a tempertantrom -sp- everyday intill they just move it back in my rom -its not like they ever use it- or get me the laptop I want...NOW! ha they think they were misrable before...I'm going to screw everything up for them #1 move...call dad work and get him in trouble with the boss... #2 mess things up for mom and her friends- and then well see how tomarro goes.also ohh I'm so not agreeing to do ANYTHING we talked about in therapy...hvmmmm dad should be dead from a heart attack from to much strees within three days...and everything should be fine.

OMG OMG OMG MY BELOVED INTERNET IS BACK !!! lol my dad changed he account and so its been hell I've gotten in like 100000000000 arguments with him I'm like "YOU FUCKING LAZY FAT ASS FIX IT NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" two days TWO DAYS with out the internet...I feel so diffrent... I feel like I can servive anything now ! lol >333333333333 *hugs my computer* we shall never part again.

( more pictures )
I dont just put pix in this journal..its just I dont have anything to talk about...umm I binged on pizza today BIG TIME.. well end.

( so I dont rape your friends page )

me and alex broke up..
becuase I'm an asshole... I broke up with alex.I loved him.. I did.. but.. my feelings have changed and its just not right to "tag" him along..
.. basically... we were talking today...tonight.. ..I was talking mostly..
and ugh I broke up with him..because he loves me? because I've become pretty much to slutty not to mess around on him.. yeah..thats basically it... its why guys like me I guess... because I atc like them I like to do the same stuff, I'm coll and liad back..just like them... its why they'll end up hating me... I do the same stupid sutff.. I dont think before I talk.. I don't know... I know I'm sorry.. but I can't do anything about it.. I dyed my hairyesterday (redish brownish color)... It turned out stawberry blonde... because my hair was so light..so now I'm ganna re-dye it darker..
-love always
--- the fucking whore of the centry >3

dear ana
you promised I would be beautiful you promised I would be thin you promised me everything,and even if you finally come through, it won't ever be enough.♥

^^ in SERIOUS need of happy pills!




I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do

[Chorus:]
All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands

[Chorus]

I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)

[Chorus]

Take me away
Take me away
Break me away
Take me away

♥ ummm everyone who had me as a friend, on there friends list, I accidently deleted a bunch of people today so don't take it personally, comment and I will re-add you ! sorry ~!♥
so YAY any one like my new layout ?( still fixing it, like on my friends list and calndar)
and no pics I just took of me in my pj~
(lol I felt like aslison in wonderland when taking this pic for sum odd reason..) O_o(see below)

and eh yeah ..


( dear ana.. )

( Read more... )

today is horrable everything was fine in vermont I dint even think about my wieght ..okay well just a couple times a day BUT I din't cry or cut or try to vomit I fucking hate this, everything is going wrong, I want my mother to leave she's fucking ruining whats left of my life..and I know she will leave, but only when enough damage is done. I haven't yet over dosed , and I'm not et hospitalised..she's still work to be done, not much though because I'm not sure how much I can take, I think I'm going to admit it in therapy and blame it on her, sure they'll lock me up..but I'd be away from her

ughhhh I've been like sick today and bred and depressed, I was going to call alex but he probably wasn't going to be home, and my mom went shoping at the mall today and somehow It came up in conversation with this emo dude who works at the store..that I like hot topic and now he wants to meet me *note* shoping at the same chain of stores doesn't creat a common intreast and umm oh yeah my mom was like, "he's you know one of those guys who thinks no one would like him....you know geeky ,..you'd like him" and I was like *walks away* .I also cut today which I haven't done in a while, and I'm officaly about 5'3 and 86 frikin pounds today HUGE .ahh. I am worthless .
boredem(see below)


depression (see below)


its just another day the last day of our lives the sky is falling once again catch your frail stars while you still can.........

( uncross your fingers and tell me you love me )

-so yeah leave me a comment? or don't w/e..

well thats it, my plane leaves the 10th (saturday) for new england , only for a couple weeks >3 leave me a comment for when I return
I've still got to pack,
and buy last minnute things lol oh well hvmm..

love always,
jamie


..............when airplanes are mistaken for stars I know wishes just arn't ment to be true

AHHHHHHHH OMFG today just now AHH was so scarey I just got home, if any of you live n miami fl by sunset place you'd know what happened, the street the mall covered in smoke and it covered the roads for like 40 MILES!!!!!!!!!!!!! never end somoke someone said it was a fire BUT WTF HOW HUGE, and what forest HOLY CRAP all i was thinking was terrorist attack and I called 911 when me and mom were in the care we could barley breath (because of all the smoke, comming throw the sc vents and when we had to walk in it) it was so scarey I'm still scared the ppeople who answerd the emrgency call said it was a fire...UH I still don't know AHHH !!!!!! I hate bush cuz you never know if its a terrorist attack or what shit it was so fucking scarey everyonerunnning and coughing in the mall!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I really must say ana is it me or are the girls in the magizines looking a bit plump?
I'm sorry I left, I was so close ,but I din't want it ...
do you reamber what it taste like, so close to pefection, do you remaber it felt hallow
they called us crazy, honestly ana I don't know why you don't speak up
tubs as the docter rant and raved,and as soon as you fade intrest the rise there voice,
everythings so loud do they think we couldn't hear them, there pratically screaming , impossable arn't they?
I'd rather they leave us alone, no vistors except you ana,
they came anyway insiting on having lights and windows open I'm suprissed it din't blind us .
I'm sorry ana I gave you my best and my worst in that hospital room
months later I've undone all your work, you only vist me now,
I really miss you ,no matter what the docters say I grow weeker in you absence I appologize for my failure
I miss our endless nights we din't need to count sheep we counted calories, but I must say my math skills inproved
the scale droped , and my world feel apart.I miss the room dacing before my eyes ,
catching each sun ray peering through my window in the mornings
but most of all ana I miss you, I know you think I am not worthy of your time, oh but ana I will prove you wrong........

OMFG *lmao* I thought this was too wierd...this online model shit *rofl* it shows you how you look...but on a virtual model LMAO... *shakes head*

I want to be as empty out side as I am inside.
I want to be as small as this world makes me feel.
I want to be so light I can't feel grounded within myself.
I want to be so numb I can't feel the floor benieth my feet.
I want to be invisable , alone, so much nothing they won't even know I'm here

........
I want something
I can perfect,
something I can controll,
something of my own
.......


*if I shrink maybe
I'll slip through
the bars of my own
cage cage thats holding
me back *